Where Did My ADHD Motivation Go?

It's been almost two months since I last wrote anything here, and I wish I had an exciting explanation for where I've been. I don't. Nothing dramatic happened. I didn't disappear because I was traveling the world, working on some secret project, or having a life-changing revelation. I just… stopped writing. I kept thinking I'd come back when I had something interesting to say, when I felt more motivated, or when I finally had some progress worth talking about. And somehow, a few days turned into a few weeks, and a few weeks turned into almost two months.

Hi I'm Saina and you're reading Sainaslife.

Why Did I Disappear Again?

Previously in my ADHD and Medication post, I talked about trying a new method to deal with my ADHD executive dysfunction and initiation problems. I had the plan to pre-write multiple timeless posts and schedule them to be published every week so I could keep up with the demand and not disappoint my readers. That method worked for a while, but as you can see, I went into hiding for another couple of months. This is interesting to look at from the perspective of ADHD. I can see a clear pattern, but the reason behind this pattern being repeated is not clear enough. Though I think I might know what's the culprit here.

Why Is ADHD Motivation So Unpredictable?

See, with ADHD, everything is about interests. If I don't like or enjoy something, I really can't do it, not "don't want to," can't! In the post ADHD Chronicles I compared starting new tasks and having consistency to walking in glue. It is truly that difficult to force yourself to start something or go along with it, especially if you don't like to do it. If it seems like a chore, something that doesn't necessarily give you any fast dopamine while doing it, your brain does anything to prevent you from doing it. It's like ADHD motivation doesn't exist.

Now you might say that I love writing and I love my blog, true, but it doesn't give me any dopamine right now. I have way too high expectations of myself and I don't find writing one or two blog posts thrilling, yeah maybe the first days or maybe for my passion posts, but generally writing and finishing a post gives me a sense of relief, not happiness. What I need is the next step and that's gaining more readers and taking my blog to the next stage and that shit is scary! I am terrified of moving to the next step without preparations. So much that I rather do nothing. Either that or I bound myself to learn and obtain 10 different certificates of content marketing and Google Ads before actually doing it.

The problem with those certificates is that they are boring and not interesting at all. So naturally it takes a very long time for me to be able to finish them, like the digital marketing certificate that was only 40 hours worth of time and took me 6 months. The thing is, I don't really wanna be this way, I want to be productive and achieve something but my brain is working against me. It's a pointless loop of me wanting to achieve, my brain tries its best to prevent me, I get exhausted fighting with my brain, I burn out, I do nothing, I get burnt out because I didn't achieve anything and that eventually causes me to shut down completely and blame myself every minute.

The Next Step

Now ChatGPT tells me that I should try to be more spontaneous. To just start without fearing the consequences, just write, just give an ad to Google or something, and I think it is right. I just don't know if I can do this yet, but I sure will try.

I also know that previously I said that I'm not gonna take ADHD medication, but now I'm seriously considering it. At least maybe for a while until I can put myself together. Because right now my biggest issue is not being in anything. You ask what that means? It means that I'm unemployed and I'm not in school either. When I was in an environment that demanded me to push forward, I was thriving. It took a toll on my mental health but now I'm also mentally affected by underachievement and also unemployed at the same time. So I think that if I take the medication for a few months, I can put my life on a roll, and then the deadlines and demands keep me in place.

I'm Gonna Do This!

But medication or no medication, I don't want to sit around waiting for something to magically change anymore. I think one of the mistakes I've been making is believing that I need to be completely prepared before I move to the next stage. I tell myself I need another course, another certificate, another skill, another plan. It feels productive because technically I'm doing something, but I think preparation has also become a very convenient hiding place for me.

I'm not sure where I'm gonna go from now on, but I sure will be trying to be more spontaneous and not wait around. I will keep you all updated about the progress or the lack of it :) in the hopes that my life experiences also help my fellow ADHD readers.

As always, see you in the next post (hopefully not two month from now):)

Best of wishes,

Saina