My life, what I have been through

The following post is intended for a certain group of people. This is a short story of what I have been put through by a number of individuals that changed my mindset completely about the world. This is only intended to be a rant about my personal life, or maybe to know me better.

Let me talk about myself a little bit. My name is Saina, and I come from a different part of the world. I have had a difficult life back there, financially, socially, and emotionally. I felt alone and misunderstood, and I believed that I wasn't given my human rights. I had a dream to move out and leave my country for a better destination since I was 11 when I took my first English class, and I finally did. I always had a keen interest in moving to the US, you know, the American dream, the high schools, the freedom, etc., but it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be when I was 11. When I became older, my purposes changed; I wasn't seeing the world as naively as I did when I was a child. I realized that relocating from my country to a developed nation would be challenging, but I did not let this discourage me. So I used the only opportunity that I had: I studied hard and worked smart until I was able to be accepted into a great university. From there, my path was clearer; I didn't want to lose the opportunity that I was given, so I found a job and secured my life.

I moved to a small European country, and I was super excited when this happened because, as I said earlier, it wasn't easy for me or even possible to be able to make it this way. I suppose it was actually possible, but I didn't believe I had the capability to do it. Despite my financial struggles, my intelligence compensated for them, allowing me to secure scholarships and achieve my dream of moving. There were a lot of ups and downs, and I felt so lonely and hurt many times, but I made it through the years.

Let's talk about my personality a bit! I'm a highly competitive person, extremely honest to the point where my words often seem too good to be true, and people find them hard to believe! I'm not sure where my truth-telling habit began, but it feels like I'm leading a battle for my fellow women and men, fighting against evil. Being honest is empowering for me. However, doing it all the time isn't always the best thing, as many might know some of the details of my life which isn't ideal! But don't worry, I keep other people's secrets safe! :)

I am often underestimated, and I tend to underestimate myself as well. I also might be the person that they call humble, but don't get optimistic, I occasionally accept compliments. There is something that I always wanted to change about myself even though it's not that easy; sometimes I really like to talk about myself, yeah I know how it sounds but I swear I am not a narcist or whatever they call this, I just like people to know me better because some of them tend to judge me before actually knowing me!

Anyhow, I am self-aware enough to realise that and that's a win to be honest.:)

Where am I going with this?

Dear people, like many of you, I have so many insecurities. I don’t feel good about my face many times a day, my pimples, my nose, my teeth, even my hair or my eyebrows! I feel insecure about my body because I feel I am too thin, I feel insecure about my style, and I always look at other people's faces to see if they are laughing at my face or my style. Even if they are not laughing, I make the assumption that they feel I’m not normal or have a bad style.

I think everyone is insecure about something in themselves, be it physical or personality-related. When we treat someone differently out of hate or jealousy, that person might take it upon their physical attributes. They might think people are treating them differently because of how they look. They try to change their looks so they receive less hate. But really it doesn't change anything, instead they dive deeper and deeper into the matter and finally they might even get to a point of being broken. So why would we hate on a person for no reason? A person with insecurities and struggles, just like what you might have. Why would we treat another human being badly just because they are different?

The reason I'm writing this is that recently I have been put through so much by people with whom I have interactions. I could swear that at first, everyone was so kind and welcoming, but then suddenly the behaviours started to change. It all happened in a matter of days, not even months. One by one, people started to turn on me in that specific environment, and it wasn't really a good time in my life. I thought I had done something wrong and kept asking what was wrong, but I was ignored, isolated, and even threatened. It left an emotional lifelong scar on me, but I guess I learned the lesson of a lifetime in one year.

Anyway, I talked to my therapist and my mom, and they both said the same thing: they are jealous of you. I heard this before from other people, that if someone behaves badly toward you for no reason, it means that they are jealous. But honestly, I cannot see anything in myself that might arouse jealousy in others! In fact, I sometimes would like to be in their shoes; I aspire to be like them, but that doesn't make me jealous or hostile toward them.

The thing is, I am unable to comprehend how someone can become the source of pain and stress for another person. Don’t they feel guilt? Because I do; humans do. I remember every single hurtful word I said to someone, and although I apologized, I sometimes jump back to the memory and feel so guilty that I sometimes text that person and say, “Remember when I said that to you the other day? I was a douche, I'm sorry!”

How, and how can someone not be compassionate? Especially against humans? Although I do not condone any negative behaviour around animals, if you are behaving badly against one, they might barely understand, but we are human, we feel stronger, we get hurt more, and we endure pain because of what you just said. And it makes us feel not enough, to the point that someone gets depressed and someone else just ends their life because they're tired of not being enough in this world. And that’s on all of us, every single one of us giving that hatred to them, making fun of them in front of others, making them feel not enough, and even worse, making them lose opportunities to snatch it for ourselves. I just don’t understand, I just can’t comprehend, I would love to hear why.

I feel that people like me, are few, and that is not a good feeling. I feel alone at this, I feel the number of honest people around me is shrinking every day, and I just want to stay home, even if the pandemic is all over. I want not to interact because the more I talk to these people the more lonely I feel, and sometimes there is no choice in choosing who you're spending a portion of the day with.

Edit 2024: This is from a low point in my life when I was working for/with some people who traumatized me for life. The amount of racism, sexism, bullying, and misbehaviour I received from them was beyond imaginable. Since then, I have left, and the after-effects are still with me; but I learned one of the most important lessons of my life, something that cost me my health, mentally and physically, to not trust anyone lightly and to not see myself below anyone, especially people who treat you like crap. It has been a very difficult time in my life, but I came out proud and experienced. I lost so much, but I gained so much too.