Let's know me:)

Dear reader, this text is going to be for some of you, and you will feel this within your bones if you have done the following acts:

Let me talk about myself a little bit. My name is Saina and I am from a third-world country. I have had an almost difficult life back there, financially, socially, and emotionally. I felt alone and not understood and I believed that I wasn't given my human rights. I had a dream to immigrate and leave my country to a better destination since I was 11 when I took my first English class and I finally did. I must say that my first country of choice was the US, but I didn't have the money or resources to go there. I still love to go there, but with the news, I'm hearing, it doesn’t seem much different than my own country!

Anyways, I moved here to a small European country, and let me tell you, I was super excited when this happened, because as I said I wasn’t financially competent to make it, but I did, and with applying and getting some scholarships, I could make a living here. There were a lot of ups and downs and I was feeling so lonely and hurt many times, but I made it through the years.

Now, let’s talk about my challenging personality! I am a challenging person, extremely honest to the extent that no one believes my words because it seems too good to be true! Lol, IT IS true and I am tired of proving myself to anyone, and I will stay the same for the rest of my life. I don’t know where this telling the truth started in me, but if I wanna explain it, it feels like I am leading a battle for my fellow men and women and we are going to war with evilness. It feels empowering for me to always tell the truth. I must say it is not that good, to tell the truth, all the time because everyone knows all the details of my life! But I keep other people’s secrets so no worries! :)

I usually am underestimated and I also underestimate myself. I am very humble but sometimes I talk about myself so much to prove that I am enough, that people think I am such a jerk!

I get that, it’s ok, I am used to people not understanding my true intention.

I am smart (but not genius:)) and compassionate and if you could just borrow my brain for 10 minutes you would explode from the pain and stress that I am carrying.

Now, why am I writing this?

Dear people, like many of you I have so many insecurities. I don’t feel good about my face many times a day, my pimples, my nose, my teeth, even my hair falling or my eyebrow growing faster than the light speed, or even my mustache! I feel insecure with my body because I feel I am too thin and look like a stick when I go out, I feel insecure about my style, and I always look at other people face seeing if they are laughing at my face for my style, even if they are not laughing, I am thinking that they feel I’m ugly and badly styled.

I feel insecure about my intelligence too. I sometimes ask if I am as smart as I think? Or is it just a delusion? Or question my sanity sometimes when someone starts criticizing my smartness.

I am not complete and I never felt complete! I still don’t. What I think right now is that I should be rich for people to accept me, or I should do a nose job and laser for my face scars or I should gain weight, or I should learn the language of this country for people here to accept me as a being.

That is what is going on in my mind.

Recently, I talked to a therapist who is a good friend of mine. Also, I talked to my mother and explained all the stress that I had. I told them people are behaving so weird and hostile towards me that I don't understand! It is strange because I am always trying my best to be the best I can be with people and give them positive vibes. I might have a wide mouth and say something accidentally but if I catch what I said I will apologize genuinely. So this is really hurting me when people start acting strange all of a sudden for no reason towards me. I keep questioning my behavior, I try to remember every detail, but I fail.

So I feel they must not like my appearance or my clothing or even my nationality, not to say anyone is racist, but they just don’t like my nationality because they might have had bad experiences with my other countrymates!

So I feel more insecure and lonely, but I don't mention it to them, as I know they will deny it and say it is something in their own lives and not related to me. But I think no matter what happens in your life, I do not have the right to put it out on other people. So…

Anyways, I talked to my therapist and my mom, and they both said the same thing, they are jealous of you. I heard this before from other people that if someone behaves badly to you for no reason, it means that they are jealous. But honestly, I cannot see anything in myself that might arouse jealousy in others! As I said I feel insecure and I actually look at them and feel jealous that why I don’t have their eyes or body or hair or style! But I don't become hostile towards them because it is how they were born or learned something.

What I don't understand is that how can you behave like that with some person, because of jealousy or any other reason when that person did not threaten you physically, verbally, or in your position? How can I be considered a threat when I just want to live my life?

How can YOU become the source of pain and stress in another person? Don’t you feel guilt? Because I do, humans do. I remember every single hurtful word I said to someone and although I apologized I sometimes jump back to the memory and feel so guilty that I sometimes text that person and say “remember I said that to you the other day? I was a douche, I'm sorry!”.

As I said I am too compassionate and I know that, and I know many people call me an idiot for being so kind and letting others abuse my good intentions. I took this from my mom. We are so kind that I hate it. I wanna be stronger and less emotional, but I just can’t! It’s deep within.

How, and how can someone not be compassionate? Especially against humans? If you are behaving badly against an animal, they barely understand, but we are human, we feel, we get hurt, we endure pain because of what you just said. And it makes us feel not enough, to the point that someone gets depressed and someone else just ends their lives because they're tired of not being enough in this world. And that’s on all of us, every single one of us giving that hatred to them, making fun of them in front of others, making them feel not enough, even worse make them leave their position to feel less horrible. How can you? How can you tell someone they are ugly? How can you have a negative impact on a human being’s life? I just don’t understand, I just can’t comprehend, I would love to hear why? Maybe I will see it from your point of view and I understand somehow, but still, it doesn’t justify you making a being feel horrible.

Do you know what I feel? I feel that people like me, stupidly kind, are few and that is not a good feeling. I feel so lonely, I feel the number of honest people around me is shrinking every day, and I just want to stay home, even if the pandemic is all over. I want not to interact because I feel more lonely, and I don't want to lose the little crowd around me too. I don’t want to know the truth, I don't want to know if they’re liars or not compassionate. I can’t take it anymore, I will be shattered so much beyond repair.

That’s my story, I thought maybe people have a wrong understanding of me or people like me so that’s why they act hostile, but…

I hope it is just misunderstandings, otherwise, the crowd gets even smaller...