Monsters in human customs
Well hello there boss, if you're reading this right now, this is for you!
It has been a really tough year. For the first time in my life, I am experiencing very severe depression and anxiety that could not go away by itself, so I'm taking medicines for it. isn't that pretty?
Let's start from the beginning. back in summer 2020, I was already finished with my studies, I just finished my master's, and man it was pure pressure. I didn't have any job and I was basically happy. there was only one little problem, money!
yeah so it is always a problem, but this time I was running out of it. My husband was also in the same situation and we were both unemployed and using our savings. The bad part was that we couldn't find any jobs and I was panicking. but one day I saw this ad and I applied for it. I had the requirements but I wasn't sure I was gonna get it, because I applied for so many jobs and I was qualified for them but I didn't even get to the interview part, hell they didn't even bother to reply to my email and say no!
So I applied and a few days later I got an email for an interview. This was in the middle of July and we were going to run out of money at the end of August. If I could get that job, everything was gonna be alright. Long story short, I got it and I was one of the top applicants.
The first 3 months were great; they were super kind and understanding to the point that I felt guilty if I wanted to ask for something! I remember I was so passionate about my job that one day I said to myself "I love my job"!
It was around November that things started to go south. I was doing my best and to be honest, my abilities were good enough for the job. But I realized by that time that apparently, they want me to magically grow new abilities and fix every problem that is coming up.
The compliments gave their place to criticizing, if I could go home sooner because I was finished with my duties, I couldn't anymore because it was a 9-5 job and I should stay and find something to do in order to compensate for the money they were giving me. Their smiles vanished and frowns came upon them.
Everything was weird. Imagine you are doing your best, trying to be as nice as possible, engaging them in fun conversations and they still seem to don't like you. Well at this point you start thinking that your personality and work are not the problems, and it is your looks or your race or your gender that doesn't satisfy their eyes. At least that's what I thought, for around 5-6 months. I could feel that other people in the office don't like me, I could see their fake smiles and they try to avoid saying Hello. I could feel the waves of negative energy rushing through me, even if they didn't say anything. It almost felt like I did take their place in the office and my salary is being deducted from theirs. Of course, now I know exactly why they were the way they were and I'll get to that in time, but back at that time, I felt so alone and unsupported and all the time I was trying to come up with the reasons why they hated me so much. It was painful, yes, but I got through it, or did I, LOL.
Now we'll get to the part that I would love to talk about, gaslighting!
I came to know this word in an Instagram post. I searched about it and it totally reminded me of my situation. It was around November and after that, I think until the end of April, that I felt I am crazy. I was doing my best and I was being criticized for every single thing that happened in the office. I think if they could, they would put the covid-19 blame on me too. One moment I was sitting in silence and doing what I could, the next my boss or his son would come in the office chat or in-person and start blaming me that "you are not doing your job right"! You won't believe me if I said my boss told me twice that he is giving me money for nothing! This made me be guilty even if I was going to the bathroom; I thought I am wasting time if I was in the bathroom longer than 5 minutes; I felt guilty if I stayed 5 more minutes for my lunch; I felt guilty if I was taking a 5-minute break in between my work. I was crying at the time when I got home sometimes, I felt this is all my fault and I had done something wrong. It took me 5 months to realize that I was being gaslighted.
The worse part was that some of my colleagues not only weren't helpful but also helped in gaslighting me and tried to hide the fact that there's something wrong with this company and the way they were behaving to the employees. In fact, now I know that they did this because in companies like this ass-kissing is the key to keeping the boss satisfied. so they kept kissing so he wouldn't blame them for every single problem. It takes a really broken personality to be able to commit to such low behavior. You need to break your morals and pride to be able to agree to whatever shit that they say and act like everything is normal. I didn't have it me, in fact, I immigrated from my country because I didn't have it in me. I can't stay silent against cruelty and bullying. I can't watch people getting hurt by monsters in the customs of bosses or powerful people, and that is exactly why I was being bullied.
You know, at the time, I didn't know it or I wasn't ready to accept that I have a very intimidating personality. Like many people, I am a people pleaser and I always want to make everybody happy, and if I fail to do so, I feel sad and unfulfilled. That thought will stop me from thinking what is the main reason behind people's dissatisfaction; I am not able to find out why people are behaving me in a certain way and I blame it on my looks, race, gender, or things that I have had zero involvements in making. But now, everything makes sense; when you add the intimidating ingredient. I, without knowing, have a very intimidating personality and traits. You only need to talk to me a few times to realize how determined I am about my goals, my decisions, and basically how secure I feel about choices. of course, it is worth mentioning that I like many people feel insecure about many many things, but my choices and my goals are not part of them. So if you are an insecure person who fails to stand up for yourself and others against cruelty and bullying, you are gonna have some problems with me!
I know now that those people in the office, my colleagues, felt threatened by my presence. They well knew that if I want something, I will get it no matter what. This will of course threaten their position in the company that they gained by years of kissing ass and doing whatever the boss desires and what would a threatened being do? They try to cast away the threat in every way possible. First, they pretend to be your friend. Second, they become hostile, hateful, and distant from you. Third, they try to destroy your image in front of the boss and god forbid if the boss himself is as insecure as they are. Then they sit still and watch you go down, and for seasoning their masterpiece, they gaslight you by saying: "everything is fine, no there are no problems here, I am so happy working here, My boss is great, you are too soft, that's why you are feeling this way".
You know they actually did all these and I can forgive them for that, they were defending their position and I don't blame them because I know now how intimidating I can seem. But, there is one thing that I cannot ever forgive, you're asking what?
It was around spring, I was sitting at my desk and doing whatever I was supposed to do. There was this file that i made and to my eyes it was okay and could be used. But there was one very little mistake in the middle of it, which was not serious at all. It's like you go to a grocery store and instead of asking for a milk package say, milk cartoon. They will get what you want and it's no big deal, but they will also correct you respectfully and say it's milk package. So that happened, and I misnamed something. as usual I expected the bonster (boss+monster) to embrace me with his sweet words, so I knew what was coming for me. Of course, as an unprofessional asshole, he came to group chat instead of private employee chat to bash me in front of others. He was in the middle of saying "this is completely unacceptable" that one of my colleagues saw the opportunity to use this situation for her own benefit and said:"I told you to do that, did you forget?". For me that was it; pouring salt on someone's wound? adding to their pain to heal yours? selling yourself to the lowest bidder? I guess that's where she belonged, low!
Well, I stayed there for as long as I needed and the moment I had enough money I resigned!
Of course, if I could go back in time, I would've 100% stopped working for them after November. But it is what it is and I feel much better than I felt back when I was working for them. I guess I needed that, I needed to work for them and realize no matter what part of the world you are living in, monsters exist and it is only YOU that can stand up to them and say no more. Since then, I have known myself better and I know for a fact that I will never ever tolerate any bullying or insult whether it's to my work or to my personality and looks.
In the end, I know that karma is bitch and it will happen to anyone whether they believe in it or not.
Hope you enjoyed my story; write to me if you want more.
Sincerely, Saina
